ejaculate, and disperse

Haa.. So I'm trying this out. =)

This is actually pretty smooth. I am contemplating.
You may leave.

Oh, it's raining.

I have so many sides. A friend once told me that I have a multiple personality disorder. Well, it's easy for you to say. I can't even figure out which "personality" I'm sporting right now.

Tomorrow is hell. I simply hate the thought of going to school.

There is something about strangers. Something about the feeling that we don't have to put on a different face, well, not most of the time. Something about the closeness of the unfamiliarity. And when we get close, things get awkward and you wonder how to move about it. Because the slightest move could end up in a big mess. And you learn something new.
Boy, I love this side.

I took the smaller piece of the chocolate. Cheers to that.

So I survived school.
There was a talk, "Remaja & Cinta". And it's not as lovey-dovey as you think. The speaker explained mostly about sex and the statistics of sexual intercourse between teenagers under 20, from 1999-2003. We are bad, bad people. Selangor topped the list with 12+++ kids having premarital sex.
Woohoo, go Selangor !

I noticed a man in his early 40s at lunch, and I watched. Watched him nodding to the beat of the Indian rhythm playing in the background. Wonder if he had premarital sex ?
Hahaha. Please spare me the "holier than thou" bullshit.

It is going to rain again today.

I need to get used to this. Everyone is calling me Lene.
It's ok people, you can all call me Lene. *silent seething*
No no, kidding.

So I'm off to Shah Alam tomorrow with the big sister. Big sister is getting a hair makeover. Cool eh ? Well guess what's even cooler ? I get to watch. *panting* Excuse me while I gasp for air. Big sister is getting it done at Dayana's boyfriend's mum's place. Pffft. Big sister, I'm referring to you as 'big sister' from today onward ok. Or maybe BS, for sudden, unexpected situations.

Don't let me find out you're on to me again, you skank. I'll pour scalding hot water all over you. Got that ?

Alright, so I'm definitely vulgar. Let's get some sleep.

The ice cold water made me tingle. I had this weird sensation all over my body when it came in contact with me; my scalp. So it's official. I'm no longer a virgin. My hair, that is. I got my fringe (haha, I actually have one now) rebonded. It was so funny before and it made me look like an apple. Don't argue with me, Dayana. So now I cannot let water get to my hair for at least 3 days. Anyway Hisham's mum was very pleasant. And hip. And God, how will I ever overcome this ? I don't have a natural fringe anymore. *sobs*

Well it's almost Wednesday, and I've almost wasted Tuesday by almost not doing anything. Today is lazy day. Not to mention the fact that I slept after a 10a.m breakfast. And God had to send Dayana to wake me up. Heh. I've mentioned your name two times now, Dayana (three!). You must mean a lot to me. Hahahaha. Can I call you D ? And big sister, no you may not call me LS. Lay nay is alright. OK ?

I am scared of the weirdest movies. ie: The Stepford Wives, and Duplex. Beats me.

I'm sorry, but my heart is closed. It has way too much love for someone. And like most stories, this one also goes one-way. Come back later ?

This is insane. I can practically hear Tabulas calling me to blog. It's 5 after 1 anyway so I guess there's nothing to worry about.

It sickens me. Kuala Lumpur is not Kay Ell. Johor Bahru is not Jay Bee. Stick to KL and JB please. Reminds me of Smallville's Jor-el. Heh.

It also sickens me when people forget where they come from.

Dayana (oy, it's four!) caught me off-guard when she asked if I've had my first love. Without hesitation, I said no. Come to think about it, my past relationships were generally based on pure foolishness. Well it was worth the experience. And experiences they were.

You know, you are sort of making it impossible for me to love anyone else.

Listening to not so old songs. Not so old favourites. I'm getting old.

Oh I'm suddenly craving for chicken nuggets. Are there mutton or beef nuggets ? And I need my dose of endorphin. Oooh, the euphoria.

It so happens that I cannot skip school tomorrow. Apparently it'll 'tarnish my attendance record'. They don't do that anymore ! It's November already. To hell with attendance. Heh.

OK, the handphone fell again. And the last time I checked, I need RM80 to fix it. Life's pretty cruel when you're broke, don't you think ?

I had to drag my lazy feet to eat. My sleep was unpleasant.

I sneaked out of school and waited for the bus for about an hour. The same amount of time Daddy and big brother took to come back. So much for being independent. Hahaha, big brother.

I seriously need to shop, man. Well basically I just cannot let my duit raya sit around and accumulate dust. Hehehe. While I don't exactly portray thriftiness, you simply cannot negate the fact that retail therapy works best when you actually have the $$$$. Or maybe in this case, RM. Yaa Marlene,  you have so much money to splurge, but you can't spend it on fixing the damn screen ?
 
And Myspace is acting funny.

I tried to convince myself that it'll blow over. Everything looks bright from where I'm standing. But I'm always exaggerating. Screeewww it.

Pretty dumb, this is. I'm trying to finish this really big/tebal/awesome book but you know how it is when you have all the time in the world and all you really want to do is chill but actually somewhere at the back of your head you know you really have to do something because if you don't you'll end up typing really stupid posts and typing really fast because you think it makes you look cool but no one is around to see that so you're just stuck there alone listening to Natalie Imbruglia's Smoke and it's sort of bringing you down with the lyrics and depressing tone. Count.

Hiding underneath the smoke in the room.

I'm almost always HUNGRY. And it's really frustrating. Explain this. Bloody automobiles and to hell with velocity..

Yes, so it's my fault. Eeeee..

I push people away. Thank you.

Anyway, it's Saturday and I don't feel like watching cartoons. Reached home at about 2am or something and went straight to bed. Yesterday was fun, it was good.

I just don't want to write right now.

It's a little frustrating, to know and see that the one you're left with has no clue what you want, how you feel, and what you think. Yes, not everyone can read people's minds. But I'm your goddamn *blank*. And what's worst, the one who knows you best is no longer with you. What the hell do you expect of me ? I can't run around doing what you want. I won't. Piss off.

This is an angry post.

OK, so stashing your fridge with chocolates and a bottle of 7-UP isn't exactly the best way to spend your day. What the hell am I saying ?
I'm supposed to go to an open house. This is when I wish I was 21, so I can drive. Heh.

I'm one of those people who actually believes the whole 'happily-ever-after' thing. You know, nothing too fancy, just bumping into a guy at the frozen food aisle on a Sunday afternoon, he recommends mozzarella and provolone over parmesan, and the next thing you know, you end up leaving WITH mozzarella and provolone and a dinner date on Wednesday because of course, you'll be busy on Monday and Tuesday. Busy getting your girlfriends on the phone so that you can go shopping for the killer dress, that's not so revealing because you want the guy to remember you and your bosoms. Oh don't forget the matching shoes. Crazy, I am. Not only that, I'm also crazy enough to have expectations for this getting swept off your feet thing to happen.

So I dream..because fantasizing about it is the next best thing.

I've also figured this out. Derived from my observations, I have concluded, there are 4 types of women:

1) She doesn't have 'dating' in her dictionary, man. Probably some power-chasing, money-lusting corporate lady. And she wonders why her life is so dull. She cries at sappy tv ads too.
2) The girl next door that's too shy to make the first move. "Is he looking at me ? Something on my face ? Heavens, he's coming this way !"
3) Some wannabe rocker/punk/emo/whatever you call it these days chick who slams her guitar at a guy's face and not so long after that, you can find them making out at the most unimaginable spot. (Whooo..)
4) A youngster who doesn't get to go on dates. And what's funny, she thinks she knows everything. Famously know as me.

Foolish post. I'm being ridiculous/senseless/whatever you call it these days.

I'm remembering things that are not worth remembering. But you were/are such a bitch.

I'M SO NOT PISSED AT YOU !

I just downed a Big Mac and a chocolate sundae. Now what's for dinner ?

I'm losing my touch, I'm losing one round after another. Damn Yahoo! Pool.
Now I want to bowl.
I wish _____________________________________.
That's an awfully long wish, isn't it ?

Cheryl, I'm not mad at you. And you can kacau me again and again. But I still won't be mad at you. Hehehe.

Bored.

Hmm. My head's a little messed up. I am somewhat worried that I worry about things I shouldn't be worrying about. Uh-oh. Worry sounds weird now. Wuur-ri. Wer-ree. Damn.
Blargh. Hate this..I'm sleepy. Well goodnight.

Wishlist:
new phone
jeans that fit

Is it wrong if I want to work ? Earn something for myself, on my own. I mean, I'm not encouraging kids to drop out of school and find a job, that would be stupid. I just want something that I can do. It's nearly halfway through November. The government should allow people below 18 to work. Nothing big, simple things would do. Cashier, babysitter, whatever..
So, any job offers ?

I need a bath.

I'm feeling miserable and I can see you are happy now. It sucks because I don't want you to be happy. And that sucks because I'm not happy when I don't want you to be happy. There is something. You are a part of that something. You are killing me. I am regretting. Regrets are painful. I am selfish and useless. I am selfish and useless. I am selfish and useless. I am selfish and useless. I am selfish and useless. I am selfish and useless. Selfish and useless.

Well now I love you. Yes, you can go tell everybody.
Btw, what does it mean to you ?

OK, so I'm a very private person. What's so wrong about that ? I'm not going to let you in my whole life story if I don't want to. If I don't feel comfortable with you, then that's that. Don't push me. I like being myself.  I don't want to be like everybody else. It suffocates me. And yes, I am a VERY PRIVATE PERSON. I cannot blurt out my feelings just like that, even if it looks like I am. You will never know how I feel. I'm emotional, sensitive, and moody. Hello, I'm a Cancer !

Haaaa...nice.

I hope everything will turn out fine. Alright, the truth is, it's not that I cannot manage the responsibility of being the Naib Setiausaha, we're talking about me here, I can handle anything ! (HAHAHA, so poyo..)
It's just that everything is different now. Well it has been like that all along. Everyone pretends to be so lovely. So caring. And what's worst, I fell for it. How can I be so stupid. I should've known better. Even big brother warned me. I warned my friends, and look at me, I'm the one struggling to get out.
This is stupid. Crazy kind of stupid.

I must understand
I must tolerate
I must share
I must accept
I must consider
I must forgive
I must let go
I must be responsible
I must be honest
I must care
I must trust
I must sympathize
I must persevere
I must try
I must learn
I must try to learn; learn to try

Now, why ?

Look what I've got, err, bought..

Hehehe. So I'm broke now.

Went to KLCC, had lasagna, and this,

(Guy) Tinggal mana ?
(Big sister) Gombak.
(Guy) Buat apa ?
(Big sister) Belajar.
(Guy) Kat mana ?
(Big sister) Uitm.
(Guy) Gombak ?    -seriously, got UitM in Gombak ah ??
(Big sister) Shah Alam.
(Guy) Oh..ni ?
(Little sister) KDU.
(Guy) Urm..yang dekat..urm..damansara eh ?
(Little sister) *nods*
(Guy) Ulang alik la ni ? LRT ?
(Little sister) Tak.., bawa kereta.
(Guy) Oh..Senang-senang nanti call la, boleh keluar minum ke..abang boleh datang Gombak ke..

Pffft. In your dreams la screwboy. Do I even look like I go to KDU ? And do I look like I can drive ?
Big sister, you should have let me tell him we're gay..

So it's the holidays. I almost went to school today. I was ironing my uniform, when I found out that I didn't have to go. Heh.
What is up with ironing uniforms ?

I'm getting hungry.
And I have this abdominal pain. It feels like post sit-up muscle strain. I don't think it is but I don't know about you. I don't remember the last time I did sit-ups. It was that long ago. Heh.

The dreams are coming back.

Is there a way of tracking down a mobile number and the user ?

You ass. 

It's 10am and I haven't had my breakfast.

I want pancakes, buns, HONEY STARS, waffles, ice cream, fruit juice...

You snooped around, and you took it. Stole it. Fuck you.
You're a bitch, how long is it going to take for you to realize that ?

Fuck you. Go eat shit.

You're making me hate you. BITCH.

I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU.

I'm OK now.

Hmm. Bla bla bla..

See ? Sudden emotional outbursts followed by excessive 'tuning out' moments. Crazy. It is terrible, yes. But you are no better than me. Hahaha.

I am amused.

Today is spring cleaning day, well, it was supposed to start half an hour ago but suddenly I feel a little lazy. Hehehe. And hungry.

Boredom strikes. Heh.

Cheryl and Bryan, yes thank you, but it's ok.

Well I did download the choruses. As stupid as it may sound. That takes time and effort, you could at least tell me. I had to snoop too. That sucks man. But yes we are idiots. I could never hate you, even if I wanted too. (That sucks too !) Well bitch is a prettier term than skank (and you know who the skank is), and it's reserved for you. Don't get mad. It's how I show my love. *hug*
Maybe he's desperately in love with you ? In a good way ok.

And I won't steal. You'll see. Haaaa.....

I'm going to spend the rest of the night reading. Goodnight.

Hmm, this paragraph sent by a friend had a somewhat placatory effect on me. You know, with all my rubbish about love and finding the right guy. Read on..

CANCER
MOST AMAZING KISSER.
Very high sex appeal.
Great in bed ...
Love is one of a kind.
Very romantic.
Most caring person you will ever meet!
Entirely creative
Random and proud of it
Great telling stories
Great fighter and will knock your lights out

WOOHOO ! That said, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to 'knock your lights out'. I really don't get it. It's either I'm stupid or you guys are cleverer than me. Be careful when you take your pick. Hehehe.

Anyway, I'm not ready for a relationship. I enjoy flying solo right now.
Aha, I've found my hot guy ! You know, big sister likes Chaddy Maddy and Dayana with her Jensen Ackles. All hail JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS. Oh, he's gay....? Shit. Strike him off the list.

"You were right. I don't wanna be here, if you're gonna be there. And without you does it matter. I'm gonna hold you so tight. I just wanna be a million miles away from here." - Natalie Imbruglia

 Hate, contempt, loathe, disgust ;  thesaurus of emotions. 

I am sick. I am unwell. I am upset. You, of all people. She was right.

I just wanna be a million miles away from here.

--- Copying, when done tastefully, is not plagiarism. But you, you stinkin' pig/skunk/insert smelly animal here, don't seem to have any notion of what belongs to you and what belongs to me and and most importantly, things that do not belong to either one of us but shouldn't ever belong to you.

I am a teenager. I have the right to be mad at the world !

WAHAHAHA, big sister, I think this is way off our topic, isn't it ?

The best things in life are free, and perfectly unattainable.

Like nuts (to this I laugh, hahahaha) and love (to this, I sigh).

What a menace, this virus. Shutting down my browsers, sending stupid messages and disabling the taskbar. Shit betul.

CANCER - 23 November 2006
Try not to let resentment eat away at you and don't deny your feelings, even if you're reluctant to talk about it. The important thing is to get something out of your system or else your body will rebel.

Finally, something worth reading.

I wanted to cook pasta but I can't get out of the house. So I'm not in a very good mood. Damn.

To person #1:
The main reason why I turn my face away is because you disgust me, more than ever. It's a bit painful because I'm not supposed to do this. But you are not making it easier either. I am a pain in the ass sometimes, yes, no doubt. But you can make my life a whole lot better by leaving me alone, at least for now.

To person #2:
I definitely don't envy you. I definitely don't want to hate you. But things are different now and I can't quite put my finger on anything at this moment. I am pretty sure that if I'm not around, you wouldn't feel like you're missing anything, although you say you would.

To a group of people:
Get out of my life. I don't need your pity, help or anything.

To person #3:
You amaze me. You inspire me. You guide me. And in a way, I wish you never existed. Because it's hard to forget you.

So I single-handedly prepared dinner for the two of us, big sister and myself. (OK, big sister boiled the potatoes) It's my very own creation, Potato & Cheese Pasta. Hahahaha. Crazy. It wasn't gourmet or anything, but big sister said it was nice. Hmm..

I need ice cream now. Yummy.. 

Oh my God. Sleep is so good.

Thank you for ruining my day. Big sister, I suddenly feel so irritated, annoyed, pissed, angry and everything. Blargh. Stupid skank, bloody shit you.

Got back from Segamat about 30 minutes ago. I have nothing in my stomach. Nada. I was hoping some ice-cream man would show up at the Seremban R&R. And what do you know, we past one right before we reached home. Damn.

So I'm hungry now. And I need a bath.

When you know something that some people don't, it gets kind of complicated, especially when you're supposed to keep it.

I'm still waiting for the ice-cream man.. Haih.

The whole thing is making me sick. 

Most people misinterpret me. Maybe it's the way I talk. What do you think ?

And there's this crazy woman who wants to delete her blog. 

 
I was chatting to a schoolmate just now. And we were talking about taking people's opinions into consideration, and whether we should care about what people think of us. I used to run around telling everyone "I do what I want to", and "I don't care what you think of me" etc etc. But I've grown out of that whole teenage angst drama. It's funny (and embarrassing all the way!) when I look back. I think I'm going soft..

Felicia, we should definitely gather all these stupid people and put them in a room and watch them irritate each other to death. Cheryl, I'm sorry for physically abusing you. And today was fun, filled with drama & gossip. I'm sorry Bryan, we really didn't have any time to talk about you. Hahaha. And big sister, lesson of the day is; never expect the worst. "Can fix or not?" "I think cannot la.." "If rosak how.." Crazy woman..

And the pictures are lovely ! We are so adorable. Hahaha.

What’s weird about this thing called life is that you learn from your mistakes but sometimes you don’t get a chance to show it. Sometimes you know you’re doing the wrong thing but you just go on and do it anyway. Sometimes you want to stop and you succeed, only to find you’re back to square one at the end of the day. Sometimes you never fail, but you wonder what you have learnt. Sometimes you wonder if it’s worth it, but you never take the risk because somehow you managed to convince yourself to be content with what you have. Sometimes you try to see the good side of it all, and it disappoints you. I don’t feel any sense of accomplishment for getting this far. I am disappointed with myself and it does not feel good. So I'm telling myself to reinvent. But I don't want to change. Just reinvent.     

It’s 2am.

Ok, so I'm a little irritated right now. When you say you're going to do something, do it when you say you're going to do it. Plan's ruined. You're lucky you're nice.

And the day didn't start off so well either. Turns out that vacancy in Secret Recipe is filled already. But that's not the point. The guy that told me to call the manager actually gave HIS number instead of the manager's. And I actually thought Jojo could be a guy's name. I spent 10 minutes answering questions and only then he decided to 'reveal' himself. You should see my face now, I'm trying to contain my anger and frustration. I don't look very pretty like this.