ejaculate, and disperse

It saddens me to think of how things have become. Although I'm not even vaguely interested in changing the past, it certainly kills me to think of what could have been. It frustrates me, when I know this is for real. It's hard enough trying to stay out of the equation. It's even harder when you cannot help it.

People say you have to think through a decision wisely. But what if the outcome cannot be foreseen ? Are you supposed to rely on what you know ? Or go with your gut feeling ? To make matters worse, you're probably not entitled to make that decision anyway. So what do you do now ?

I have decided I'm just going to let it slide. All things must come to an end, and especially this one. I am firm believer in karma, but this word has been on everyone's tongue lately and I sort of think it's getting sort of boring.

Tea's a little bitter; I'm trying to cut down on sugar. And I'm not really sleepy. I'm thinking about things. I would like to engage in a deep, life-reflecting conversation with someone. Having said that, I do not believe I can truly trust someone with my beliefs and secrets. I'm talking about beliefs that go beyond faith and religion. I'm talking about secrets that go beyond what you do when nobody's looking. I've been told I should always be quiet when I've got nothing to say. But what about the questions ? Should they go down with us when we decide it's not polite or it doesn't reflect maturity ? Well that is nonsense, and I don't like sighing.

Movie and television lines are cheesy, but sometimes they make a lot of sense.

Wiser, Wealthier, and Happier -- that's my 2007 Cancer Forecast headline. Is this the part where I jump around ? But here's to Hope.

I'm looking forward to seeing 'Ain. I hope I get to see her, just the two of us. I think this holiday gave me some time to think about things. I'm trying to stay as neutral as possible, and enjoy some 'alone' time. I have two years left, for heaven's sake.

I cleared my old school books and I'm going to sell them to the paper lama man. Yeah yeah money.

I'm also trying to sell my All Star shoes. But who wears high-cut these days ? Sigh. Anyone interested ?

Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoahwhoa. I don't like this feeling. I feel bad. Ergh.

When something is not yours, you're not supposed to feel like you own it. EEEE.

So Farez is dropping by in a while to pick up his books. His Form 3 books. The ones I don't have to think about anymore. Wooooo.

Thunder's pretty bad. I'm off now.

I was chased by 4 cats (not simultaneously, thank god). Big sister said that most probably they were hungry. And I was carrying a bag of chocolates and 100 Plus, mind you. It's actually quite creepy. Am I some reincarnated cat goddess ?? Or a cat ninja warrior in my past life ???

I'm entertaining myself.. 

When you think people change, I think it's our perceptions. Sometimes we're so caught up in our own opinions and feelings, that we cannot see the truth. People don't just change.

I feel like you're doing this on purpose. And you seem to enjoy it. But at the same time, faking it.
Suddenly you know everything.  

Call me darling one more time, and I will rip your head off. I used to like you, you can call it a MAJOR crush if you want to, but obviously I'm not into you anymore. You're a year late, buster. Now go away.
I actually feel satisfied because I got over you first. Bwahahahahah.

I used to wish people on their birthdays even if I barely know them. Nowadays I don't care anymore. Because I think they are not worth remembering. Is that a bad sign ?

Certain people. 

'Look within and examine yourself'. - Confucius

That's a lot of crap ain't it, considering that no one else does the same. I'm volatile and I'm angry. Also, a pinch of disappointment.

Don't push me. One day I might just fall for real.

It's silly when someone you don't know tries to judge you. Crazy, even.

It was a bad idea, God.  

Most of the nights I just can't sleep, so I just stay up late. And then I get up for lunch. Check in to Yahoo! Messenger and delete junk from my mail. Reply comments on Myspace and pretend I'm having a blast, well to some of them anyway. I like the concept of being friendly strangers in Myspace. It's just 'how are you-- I'm good, you ?' and then I'm off. I'm another Jimmy Edwards, sans the gun. Tis the season to be jolly, eh ?

Anyway, got a message from Shereen yesterday night, in the middle of an ice cream fix at Quan's with the Gombak Gang. Results are most probably out on the 21st. What am I going to wear ? Haha. Well go on now, bid me luck. I'll get this over and done with.

Still waiting to hear from 'Ain.

I can't sleep. The internet speed is blowing my mind, though.

Sometimes remembering something gets so hard, it depresses you.  But when you remember every scent, every move, every twinkle, every sound, it's deadly.

Jeans hunt begins tomorrow.

'Life is sexually transmitted'. - That is the best thing I read today.  

Sorry, Bryan, such a short post. Haha. 

I want ice-cream. If I can't have that, I want Sprite.

I found a pair yesterday. I don't really hate shopping, but I hate it when you know what you want and you can't really find it. But when you're not looking for anything, suddenly these fancy skirts and blouses and earrings just happen to be there.And then there's the size mix up. You know, I can fit into a C cup but a B is too big for me.
What's up with that ? You tell me.

Cancer 24th December 2006..  

..You're particular about who gets to see you at your most vulnerable, and it's no wonder -- you have so much depth, you know that not just anyone would understand you. Take your time and move at your speed.

Uhuh.  

Yeah I have these eyes watching me. They assume I'm the fuck up. All this holding on for nothing. My injuries are nothing. But I'll definitely remember you.
Yeah I have these eyes watching me.

Another life thing.

And I cannot sleep. I read that tossing and turning is not good and that you should get up and do something until you're sleepy again. Rinse and repeat if necessary.

I'm listening to my mp3 and typing really slow because daddy is sleeping. But I think he's more disturbed by the glare from the screen. Yes, just thought you should know that.

Ok, let's try to sleep now.  

Christmas reminds me of turkey, pies and Harry Potter.

I don't really fancy divulging my whole life story, but usually times like these there'll be presents outside the door. Of course, times when Santa existed. The shows on TV aren't as merry. Go outside and spread the joy.
Happy Christmas.

We danced and bluffed the night away. And they also forced me to sing. So I'm almost done with packing.

James, is this intense enough for you ?
See y'all.

And we're back. Had a good time, most of the time. I can now pocket at least a ball in a game.
Gave my teacher a call yesterday and cried. So don't ask.

I came up with a few lines at the beach. It's amazing how you get inspiration from different things.

Well I'm getting more and more frustrated by the day. Trying to mend people's impressions. My impressions of people. It's all style and very little substance. And the fact that I cannot do anything about it bothers me. It takes up most of my 'reflecting' time.

I left the phone for more than 3 hours and I got no messages. It must be really lonely being you.

Anyway, something happened today. Big sister and big brother thinks it's hilarious that I walked into this Chinese man's house although I don't know him. I was also following my 7 year old cousin. And he wasn't going to leave until I said we need to. You can go to the corner of your room and laugh because I'm tired of explaining my every single action.

I remember certain things. Remember that.

Right, so I forgot to wish a friend Happy Birthday. My social circle is getting smaller by the day, I'm telling you.

Damn.  

So spending the night of New Year's Eve sipping Slurpee isn't exactly the best way to go about it. But I'm sure it beats hanging out with distant relatives and listening to them comment about the way you drink. (Haha..)

2006 has been hollow, at least throughout the whole second half of it. It's like trying to grasp the emotions portrayed through a black and white photograph. Journeys have been made, leaving trails for the next one. Here's to a better understanding of life.

Happy New Year.