ejaculate, and disperse

Just because I bought gum, doesn't mean I shouldn't get a plastic bag. Haih.

I shamelessly eavesdropped. I unabashedly stared.
Well it didn't look like they cared. Haih.

There's this nice girl in school and I think I might be bullying her.

Can I just say no.

Singing to a man with no interest but secretly loving the company. I'd like to have the last taste in my mouth be the sweetest. I don't like to believe in it all anymore. It's just a ride, right?

Metamorphosis scares and bores. Just the same cycle over and over.
Wonder why I really really can't look at you and not who I think you are?
Painful. That is why.

It's just this soft flowing vortex. In constant motion but still.

Was there ever an art of self expression? Our hearts are art.

I miss. I don't. Then I do. So boring.

That I-don't-like-you-because-you-hurt-me look. Like I give a damn. Everybody is okay with you so don't screw it and let me blend in.

It feels like it's under control. Mind games..mind games.

I love this feeling. The transformation barely stirred any interest and now that it's out of the cocoon everyone wants to shake hands.

I don't get the idea of associating myself with everything an ex-boyfriend does. I really don't get the idea of other people associating me with everything an ex-boyfriend does. You lame-asses.

They're all the same.

If you're smart, you wouldn't hand it over. It's yours and yours alone. But we're all stupid. Really, don't convince yourself otherwise.

So it was written. Too bad nobody felt it needed to be done.  

After the longest time, my head is clear. But the mind games.

Elevated and lifted.

I don't know if it's just me but people are being kind to me lately. I don't know if it's a good thing because I'm so used to these malicious thoughts, you see.

It's just so disgusting. Makes me sick.

Hahah. It's funny now. 

I've done it again. I hate it when I do it. I shouldn't have done it. A fucking brief period of helplessness. When you're unsure of it, that's the worst kind. You'll end up a fool and no less.

So what I do is, I never look back. After I'm done looking back at it, of course. Sigh.

By the time we finish arguing about it, as usual, I'll once again be convinced that maybe you care enough. And everything will fall back into place.

And then it starts all over again. Bored out of my skull here.

I'm readjusting myself to things. But right before I know it, it adjusts itself and I'm left feeling mixed up and confused.

Wow. I just said that.

I don't want to make things appear bigger or more important than they really are. But it seems that I have the knack for doing exactly the opposite. Some talent huh?

Scribbled lyrics on the desk and started all over again.

You're losing it and you're becoming one of those we agreed you'd never be. Time waits for nothing so you best hope you have another plan that works.

I wouldn't do that for most of the people I know. Consider yourself lucky but just know that I genuinely wanted to.

..I accepted the fact.

Horrible. It's always like this after it's done. Just horrible.

Fucking bad day. I'll spare you the details. Let's just say I got pissed.

I don't want to hurt you and I don't want you to hurt me. I don't want lot of things but I want everything else. Greed is a very pleasurable sin.

My songs. My pictures. My secret things. My secrets. Damnit.

I think I'm supposed to present something in class tomorrow. I'm just all over the place in the worst kind of way. I'm falling behind, and I don't like it at all. I need my songs. Shit.

Don't think........? I'm confused.

The indecisive phase will pass soon enough. 

I definitely think I have a presentation tomorrow. Shit.

Just because I'm the freaking monitor, doesn't mean I can tell you if it's okay or not.

I'm in the fucking school choir. That's not all. Actually... I secretly enjoy it. Permission to laugh granted.

Lots to do today. Haih.

I've heard but I know nothing. I'd admit but no one would give in.
Curious but obviously afraid. Your outsides are a laughing matter. I laugh at myself too.

The comfortable time is coming and I'll be ready. Make up your mind, Time.

I'm worried.

Feels like old times. And I don't like it one bit.

The other conversation meant something. I don't deserve it. 

I just have to put it aside and rationalize it and act as if that's the right thing to do.

Just the insinuation of how I might be feeling. So despicable.
Shouldn't have talked and laughed. I think I'm going to get sick.

The principle is retiring and we're singing "Can't Smile Without You". Fortunately I have no qualms about little white lies.

You're always wanting something you think you need. If man's judgments cannot be trusted then who's to say we don't need what we think we do.
Let us all sin.

No one cried today. And I called a nigga 'nigga'. And my sleep wasn't bad. Not bad huh.

"I hear you're one sexy lady. They say you're alluring."

Okay... *gulp*

I'm never ever ever going to again.

I'm fucking trying and you're being difficult.

Hmm. Grape hair.

I have a friend who has been wronged and won't ever let it go.

I have a classmate who thought nauseous is spelled as 'nautious'.

I'm the lousiest monitor ever and I know my classmates just love that except when they use it against me. Assholes.

I have a friend who thinks of cheating and I smile and just say whatever makes you happy. 

There's another classmate who, rather than include herself in conversations, she tries to include everyone else. Not funny, really. Irritating.

And yeah, my teachers don't like me.