ejaculate, and disperse

Morning anger. And then some silent treatment. It's as if I can't talk.

Like that one scene in The Matrix. Sigh. Whatever.

I saw many things today.

I don't need to be understood. I just want to get things done my way.

A guy sat up straight for a pretty stranger. Strangers. Do you know how many strangers you've chased in a parking lot?

Their fair, untroubled faces. I didn't need to try to hear the conversation. I didn't realize how long and how hard I stared. As if I wasn't there and they didn't see me. Well I know they didn't give a fuck about me. Don't, even.

I watched their fair, untroubled faces.

You wonder if the elders remember history. You wonder if they invented them.

Several lost purposes. Or was it just one.

Studious. I'm going to fail.

What a fucking idiot.

Idiot.

The effects. Aftermath.

The sweat and heavy respiration. Insane in the membrane. Gradual increments in intensity. Drastic drops. Irrelevant speeches and incoherent language in one manner after another. But I lie. I do lie.

How. Do. You. Write. About. Global. Warming. When. Your. Gut. Is. On. The. Verge. Of. Spilling. Out.

Throbbing. Headaches.

Recent activity.

I don't think I like what coffee does to me anymore. Extremes.

I didn't even know.

My half-hearted endeavours. My strongest point.

I saw shiny cars. They were real.

Fuck.

Everything was a lie.

Like feelings on cold mornings.

Hesitancy will get me in trouble. It will avoid confrontations but it will get me in trouble.

Must I rewrite everything.

Slowly declining and changing into what wasn't expected. Time is stealing my possessions. Time is a thief.

Jitters. Fucking jitters.

The unimportant things that are said only serve as a disguise. Just that.

If I could have my way, no one would know anything. The world would be very silent and still and only clouds would cry.

What's it like to have the things you want.

No apparent inclination towards the necessary. Especially when they think the necessary is a kind of necessity.

I, dropped a lot of things today.

They go home with their friends, sisters, brothers, friends.

When you just want to smash their faces.

Lies, lies and lies.

I won't talk about rooms that shrink. Or walls that grow beyond my own imaginary limitations. About the looks I give and the looks I get. How the jokes and the fun they have are given to them. Granted. Like a king or in this case, a queen. How much of a struggle it was and how much of a struggle it is. But it's done quite naturally.

Quite naturally.

The heat isn't helping at all.

I watched a couple of boys intimidate each other during a chess game. Like kids.

I watched a boy intimidate me.

I watched a girlfriend intimidate her boyfriend.

And then, I snuck out of school.

You don't want to be blamed. It isn't your fault. You never want to be blamed. But they will not care. They will not listen and they will not care.

The hair, and fingers. Like the presence. Just subtle and subdued. Don't think about it.

And then they scrammed with their bikes and biker expressions.

Guitars, picks and boys.

I don't live in a small town. I'm made of blood and stone.

I wonder if I could have that. With side dishes. Some sort of education, when you really look at it.

And then, the blood just won't stop coming out. Do we really have education.

How people can go from this to that. As if there's a requirement.

I should be angry with you today. I should be nice to you today.

Dresses and prices.

I hate to see people leaning on the car. On other people's car.

Like a little girl, she watched her object of affection. She is a little girl and it is a temporary object of affection. The details were greatly scrunitized, some in private. Details like colour, luster and all the apparent things. But it's only temporary. She will wake and say it is not so pretty after all.

I don't define things. I don't describe things. I don't care for things.

I am, quite useless.

Been making one too many conclusions. Braids to make you feel better about yourself.

I think I missed the turn. This is not necessarily the wrong turn. But there was a provided path.

If this is the life, why does it feel so good to die today.

Messages from the last century.

Ok. The second time was awkward.

Funny. I was just talking about it.

I think it's the supplements. Most definitely.

It was never like this. It has never happened.

Ugly sensations, they weren't here yesterday.

This slow decline. I wouldn't say it was inevitable, but I didn't expect it to be so cumbersome. Like an anchor pulling your whole weight down, not taking resistance into account.

What if I just ignored everything. And tell the person beside me to go fuck himself.

But I can't, can I?

Really, the way they talk or smile, even. I don't know.

And I just sat there. I slumped. Like porridge or something of the kind. Onto the hard concrete and gave out a big sigh. I kept my eyes on the grass because there were faces peering out of black windows and dark rooms. And then. I pretended to read while I chewed. All the cars and people walking. He knew whom I knew. I saw him smiling. I saw him thinking. I just stared and stared. They were looking, as intensely as I had expected. I just stared. We live in a dirty, dirty world. I saw big, black ants. And then. Someone called.

I think I frowned the whole way.

He wants no one to know him but everyone to say his name.

As she must know exactly where she stands.

And I would let it shrivel to death for everyone to see. Wouldn't that be beautifully miserable.

How they would laugh at me now.

Not one will for a thousand wants.

They are progressing, all of them. I have nothing left to do. I've hit plateau. Kaboom.

Oh go fuck yourself.

I'm a little too cold and a little too dumb.

Hello little man.

Ok why are you looking at me like that.

Stop looking at me.

Shit, it's little flasher guy.

If you're insistent enough.

I've identified the problem that fits like a square peg in a round hole. So. There isn't much square holes here. And the square peg is most likely to stay. But I don't know.